Days have been ladled with specks of depression. Through the monotonous times of feeling nothing comes bouts of anxiety. Where the fuck is my shell to hid in? Once a week I go out and dance and drink too much. The rebellious side comes out. I steal balloons and turn off lights, all small acts of rebellion so I can feel somewhat alive again. It’s the small stuff that counts. I feel home with friends but they don’t understand what I am going through. It’s comfortable sitting knowing that you have a place in the world. It’s hell when you are thrown into a place of uncertainty. Days that should be spent studying are spent on the computer staring at the screen for an escape from reality. Escape from the responsibilities of a 23 year old. I hate being transient and I hate being permanent. I live in an air of ambivalence. I kind of just want to shout at myself,
"Hey lady, suck it up! We all get to where you’re at, but don’t freeze, you have passion and you got what it takes to be fucking amazing. So stop hiding and show yourself. Show that confidence that people see. People tell you that you are going to make a difference every day. Take what they see and put it on yourself. Stop hating yourself and start loving yourself."
So, as Kurt Vonnegut writes, “You are what you pretend to be, so be careful of what you pretend to be.”
I will pretend that I have my head on my shoulders and that I am A.O.K.
Maybe one day, I won’t have to look into the mirror and pretend.
- Kurt Vonnegut (via sharismatic)
(Isn’t it such a relief to have somebody say that?)
The days slow cold,
I look out into the grey, the old,
winter is coming and shows no promise to fold,
I ache for warmth and love to embrace me,
but for now my bed stays in the corner as lone as the sea,
For I don’t find beauty in me to cope,
but I will hold my hand out in hopes,
the one day I will love myself and radiate warmth,
into the east the west the south and north
of my body and into my soul
and so I will come out